the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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