I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
