YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
