god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
