Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
