can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
