Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
