I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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