I accidentally had phone sex last night
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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