So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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