I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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