Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I currently don't understand fingers.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
