I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
