Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
