He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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