it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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