Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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