I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
