Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
NoShamevember. You game?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
