and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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