My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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