My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
