you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
This is my gift to your gina
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
