you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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