Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Still dying that you shit outside
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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