she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
