And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
