I'm going to jail i love you
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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