you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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