I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
