i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
