Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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