Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
