I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
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