this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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