I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
