You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
