Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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