is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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