did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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