told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
