My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
