I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
