All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
