it was like his penis was on wheels.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
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