also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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