explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
