the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
