i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
