there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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