I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
