Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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