I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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