woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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