New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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