totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
