On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize