so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize