why do cheetos always look like penises
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i want to swaddle you in tequila
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
