She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
