I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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