so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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