Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
and she was petting her beer can
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
