somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
