Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
