you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
