There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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