you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
