I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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