I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
