well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
